


Saying Something

by Bluesjeanne



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Love, M/M, Missing, Missing Scene, Romance, falling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25785823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluesjeanne/pseuds/Bluesjeanne
Summary: Missing scenes from the series. Not Canon (though when they were first written, they could have been.)
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Kudos: 18





	1. Opportunist

**Author's Note:**

> Note: How things play out in the episode don't quite line up here, but they don't line up well with the episodes either. According to Alec, he was at Magnus' all night talking over cocktails and didn't do much sleeping. Yet, he wasn't there when Clary figured out where the cup was... and that was after deciding to stay for cocktails. But then everyone decided to spend the night. And then Alec was surprised he hadn't heard from Jace in 3 hours. So let's pretend the big revelation didn't happen until morning and they decided to sleep later.

Episode 0106: When Alexander decides to stay at Magnus' for cocktails and they talked. )

Magnus had been called an opportunist more than once in his long life. He'd viewed it as a compliment. He could see opportunities and he took them when the benefits were right. This morning that meant he lied about needing Alexander's power to help Luke. This evening, it meant pouring cocktails.

He had a feeling Alexander was reluctant to return to the Institute. The shadowhunter was diligently cleaning, but he was also avoiding the others and their hunt for the ever precious Mortal Cup. Magnus was sure a parabatai conversation should have ranked above scrubbing a couch cushion. Yet, Alexander's choice told the warlock he'd rather be alone in a room with him than with Jace at the moment.

Such a great opportunity was not to be missed. If Alexander was finding a reason to stay here with him instead, Magnus was more than willing to provide a better reason than a bloodied couch. After all, the young man had already helped tonight, selflessly and surprisingly. Arriving in time and offering his strength without a thought. Request made. Request granted. Alex knew who and what Magnus was, the interest and desire made clear beforehand. Still he came and gave, and held Magnus while he recovered from the spell. That, to Magnus at least, spoke volumes.

Just like his displeasure at receiving a phone call from his mother.

Another opportunity to keep Alexander here and, with a grateful smile, he accepted.

Magnus gestured to the couch so they could talk while they drank. Alexander headed for the couch and Magnus could imagine them sitting together, comfortably close. Unfortunately, the young man had another idea. He sat near the middle, which meant Magnus would sit either on the soiled cushion or nearly on Alexander's lap. He wasn't opposed to the latter, but figured that would be a bit much for Alexander.

He sat in a nearby chair instead. "So you're an archer? Usually shadowhunters prefer those seraph blades."

Alexander shrugged while looking at his drink. "I'm not as good with the blades. Not that I'm terrible, but it's--"

"Well, from what I've seen, you're a highly skilled archer," Magnus interjected. "I don't see many of those these days. Or any really."

Alexander looked up at that and Magnus was rewarded with a slight smile. Compliment accepted.

"Do you have many awards?"

He shook his head. "There aren't really any competitions for shadowhunters."

"But there are some, aren't there? You must have won some."

"I don't compete."

"But you're amazing."

Alec chuckled at that. "No, I'm, I'm good, but I..."

"You shot a circle member in the thigh while he was moving behind me, and you did it quick enough he didn't realize you were there," said Magnus. He caught Alexander's gaze and held it, challenging him to deny it.

"It was a nice shot," Alec conceded.

"And probably not a fluke for you," Magnus said. "What was your most amazing shot?"

Alec took another sip of his drink. "Well, I, um... Distance is pretty good, but I once got a demon in the worse conditions. Outside, raining, dark, and he was moving fast."

Magnus leaned forward. "Don't stop there, Alexander. I'm intrigued."

With a nod and a broadening smile, the shadowhunter began his tale again. He explained the basics of the mission, how it played out unpredictably. He mentioned techniques in archery, and all the obstacles that should have impeded his shot. He described the victory and celebrating with Izzy and Jace.

He talked. Magnus listened. And when he finished that story, he began explaining his issues with seraph blades. Magnus nodded and asked questions, increasingly pleased as Alexander responded easily. He even started asking questions.

How did it work for Magnus' magic? Was it practiced? Did it grow? It seemed so natural for him, did it feel that way?

The conversation was flowing nicely until Jace wandered into the main room.

"Are Clary and Luke still in there," he asked, pointing to the closed bedroom.

"It sounds like they're still talking," responded Magnus, not bothering to hide his irritation.

"Great." Jace crossed his arms. "Looks like it's just us waiting then. Alec, want to get something to eat? I haven't had anything all day."

"You were just in my kitchen, weren't you? It's fully stocked," Magnus offered before Alexander could answer.

"I was talking to Hodge, letting him know what's going on," Jace said. "I wasn't rummaging through a warlock's cupboards. I know better than that."

Magnus knew better than to let Jace talk Alec into leaving for food, especially tonight when things were going so well. "Allow me to show you what you can eat. I only stock the finest." He stood up and turned to Alexander. "I will be right back."

He gave Jace a quick tour of the kitchen, told him to help himself, and left. There was a young man hopefully still waiting for him on the couch, after all.

Unfortunately, that young man had moved when he got back. Alexander was standing in front of the couch, clearly debating if he should stay.

"Thanks for the drink," Alexander said.

"Any time." Magnus approached him. "I mean that. Any. Time."

The shadowhunter swallowed nervously and glanced at his empty glass. He didn't move though, Magnus noticed. He should be leaving. He should be stammering a reply because of Magnus' forwardness. Instead he stood silently in place and Magnus was certain that said he didn't really want to go.

"You could have one more drink, of course," he suggested. "It's not like you're driving back and I did take some of your strength. It's probably best if you've fully recovered before leaving."

Alexander considered his options. "Yeah, that, uh, sounds good. Maybe not as citrusy for this one."

The warlock beamed. "As you wish."

He took the glass and motioned for Alexander to sit down again while he fixed another cocktail. His smile widened when he noticed the shadowhunter was sitting next the couch's arm, much closer to Magnus' chair.

It still wouldn't allow for cuddling or most of what he wanted to do with Alexander, but it was something. With him, Magnus was noticing that the little things were important. A story of archery was a story of Alexander's approach to his career, his life's work. A hesitation to leave was a request to stay. A move to sit closer to the downworlder who was openly flirting with him?

Magnus would take it gleefully.

Alexander took his drink and thanked Magnus.

"Say that after you try it," he warned.

The shadowhunter smiled again. Magnus was getting addicted to that and his laughter.

After taking a careful sip, Alec seemed pleased. "You're very good at this."

"We all have our talents," Magnus said. "Though you haven't really seen what I can do."

"Should I be worried?" The question was slightly playful.

"That's not the word I would use," the warlock replied.

Alexander chuckled. "I've survived Izzy's cooking. You don't scare me."

"I'm not talking about cooking."

Alex swallowed hard and looked back at his drink. Magnus had the sinking suspicion he'd gone too far.

"Since you brought it up, I do wonder," he said, attempting a more comfortable topic. "How bad is your sister's cooking?"

Looking up, the young man shrugged. "Sometimes it's okay. But I'm pretty sure she poisoned me once. Unintentionally."

"And she doesn't know?"

"Izzy tries and she really only makes me food when she thinks she needs to take care of me."

"So she encourages you to heal faster."

Alexander chuckled again. "It mostly just tastes bad. She has the skills."

"Just not the palette."

"I worry about the day she tries to give something to our little brother again. Last time, he just spit it out. Now that he's older, he's a little more vocal."

"She hasn't cooked for him all this time?" asked Magnus.

Alexander shook his head. "Max is usually in Idris with our parents. I try to cook meals before Izzy does when he's here."

"And he cooks too." Magnus saluted him with his glass.

"A little."

"You sell yourself short, Alexander," said Magnus. "You are a skilled archer and cook. I daresay you are the most interesting Institute head I've come across in years."

"I'm only Acting Head of the Institute and that's only when my parents are away," he said dismissively. "The Clave hasn't exactly approved of my decisions lately."

"That's just how the Clave is, in my experience." Magnus leaned forward, resisting the urge to put his hand on Alexander's knee. "Tonight you helped save the pack's leader and no one from the Clave can say that."

"That's because they stay out of downworlder business."

"I'm sure Luke is grateful you're better than that," said Magnus. "I know I am."

"You didn't need much of my strength," Alec said. "At least it didn't feel like it."

"Oh, I needed you more than you know." He was about to reach out for that knee when Jace came back.

"Alec, you should probably go," said the other shadowhunter.

"Go?" Alexander asked. Magnus could hear the surprise in his voice, as though he'd forgotten that was an option.

"Yeah, you've done enough," Jace said. "Clary and I can take it from here. I don't want you in more trouble with Maryse."

Alex nodded and began to rise, casting a glance at Magnus and then the soiled couch cushion.

"I would normally agree," said the warlock, standing swiftly. "I do hate to get involved in shadowhunter business. However, Alexander was just taking a break from cleaning my furniture that Luke bled all over. Considering all of the mess you caused, I think it only appropriate that he finish."

Jace grimaced. "It looks pretty clean to me."

"It's because it's black," Alexander piped up. "It's, uh, it's just hard to judge from a distance."

"He could use a spell and clean it himself," Jace suggested.

"Or I could conserve my energy since I spent most of it keeping Luke alive while you took all day to get a few simple supplies," Magnus said. "Why don't we let Alexander finish up and I'll show you to your room for the night-- the one I'm offering free of charge. It's just past the kitchen, where you had dinner also free of charge."

Jace hesitated.

"I'm almost done anyway," said Alec.

The other shadowhunter nodded in agreement before following his host out of the room.

Magnus tried to return quickly to spend a little more time with Alexander before he left. He tried, but Jace wasn't the easiest guest. He commented on the room, needed to know about exits and any possible wards that should concern him, and practically made Magnus promise to make sure Clary and Luke were comfortable for the night. At the mention of wards, Magnus seized the opportunity to keep Jace in the room for the rest of the night.

It wasn't a lie, really. It didn't even guarantee Jace wouldn't wander out again. It would certainly help, though.

By time Magnus finally reentered the main room, Alexander was laying a clean white towel over the presumably clean cushion. He looked over and smiled. "Not quite as good as new, but close."

"Thank you," Magnus said, dreading the goodbye that was to follow.

"In shadowhunting, you get surprisingly good with blood stains," Alexander said. "They should include it in training."

"How To Clean Upholestry 101. Start with dark furniture," joked Magnus.

Alexander smiled. "Dark colours definitely help."

"I'm sure they do." This was certainly not how Magnus wanted to end the evening. An awkward discussion that made Magnus wonder if Alexander's fashion sense was influenced by injuries and near-death experiences.

"I picked up some books that had fallen earlier." Alec gestured to three books stacked on the coffee table. "I didn't know where you'd want them so I put them there. It's not because they have blood on them."

Magnus smiled weakly. "How fortunate."

"It might have been appropriate for The Hunger Games," he said with a shrug. "I'm surprised you read it."

The warlock blinked. Alexander was initiating a conversation. Alexander wasn't leaving even though the couch was clean. This was an unexpected but welcome opportunity.

The shadowhunter continued nervously, "I, uh, liked The Hunger Games, felt a little rushed at the end, but it was a good series. At least I thought so."

"Much better than the movies." Magnus reclaimed his chair and Alexander reclaimed his seat on the couch. Though this time, he'd angled his body to face Magnus. Their knees were decidedly closer.

"I didn't see the movies," Alexander said.

"Ah yes, shadowhunters are rarely film buffs. Books are usually better."

"Izzy likes going to movies. Always has."

"And she drags you along?" asked Magnus.

"Not any more," said Alexander before describing taking Isabelle to the theatre. He told Magnus about not using any glamour runes because "she wanted the full experience." They discussed the few movies he had seen and then talked about books again. Magnus learnt that Alexander always reads a book different than the one before. Alexander learnt that Magnus disliked Shakespeare.

"Over-hyped," Magnus said with a yawn.

"I still really enjoyed MacBeth. Though I'll grant you that the Shrew is unfinished." Alexander yawned too. They'd been doing that a lot.

"What time is it?" the shadowhunter asked, digging out his phone. Magnus didn't need to look at the screen to know it was very late, or very early depending on one's perspective.

Alec still seemed surprised by the time. "It's almost 4."

"Time flies when you're having fun," said Magnus.

"I should go," he said, stifling another yawn.

"Or you could stay," offered Magnus. "You'll barely get any sleep by time you get back to the Institute, and I happen to have two more spare rooms."

Alec debated the options before agreeing.

"Let me check on Clary and Luke, and then I'll show you your room," said Magnus.

The shadowhunter nodded.

Magnus quietly entered his bedroom. Luke and Clary seemed to be sleeping soundly. Luke was in the bed, thankfully not bleeding on the sheets. Clary was curled up on the day bed. Their earlier conversation hadn't been all that calm, but it'd barely disturbed Magnus and Alexander. He'd hardly noticed when the hushed tones had stopped, the participants lulled to sleep. Magnus took one last look around before silently exiting.

As he closed the doors, he turned to Alexander. Only to find him reading a book, head propped up on his hand. Magnus figured it was Alexander's way of staying awake until he was done checking on the others. Except, as he drew closer, he realized the opposite had happened.

The warlock sat in his chair and watched Alexander sleep. He looked so peaceful, so... at home. Magnus savoured the moment. Alexander Lightwood had fallen asleep on his couch. The sentinel was resting with his back to the entrance hallway in a warlock's home with a werewolf leader in the next room. Magnus knew that had to say something about how comfortable he felt here with Magnus.

Truth be told, Magnus should have felt some unease about the situation. The acting head of a shadowhunter institute on his couch, two more shadowhunters in his home, one of which was the daughter of the very man he was trying to avoid. Yet, somehow, he didn't mind at all.

He watched the rise and fall of Alexander's chest, heard his calm, rhythmic breathing, and he felt relaxed, even as his eyes fluttered shut.

Magnus woke with a start. His eyes darted to the direction of the sudden noise. There was a book lying at Alexander's feet, his lap now empty. The shadowhunter was blinking awake, trying to figure out what was happening. He caught Magnus' gaze and seemed to relax a little, a smile tugged at his lips. He rubbed his eyes.

"Magnus," he said. "Um.."

"You fell asleep with a book," said Magnus, pointing to the fallen object. "It seems I fell asleep here."

"Oh."

Magnus stretched a little. "A bit of a shame. My beds are far more comfortable than a chair."

Alexander ran a hand through his hair. "Your couch isn't bad."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Magnus. He watched as Alexander stood and stretched. He thought it wasn't a bad way to start the day.

Then Alexander dug out his phone, needing to know what time it was. Magnus knew it wasn't still "almost 4." He felt rested enough to know they'd slept. Perhaps not in each others arms as he would have preferred, but definitely in each others company. They'd slept at least a few hours.

"It's almost 8," Alec groaned.

"Time for breakfast?" suggested Magnus with a smile.

Alex's mouth moved, but words weren't coming out.

"A quick breakfast?"

Alec sighed. "I'm sorry. I have to go. Now. I was supposed to do these incident reports. And--"

"And," Magnus raised his hands. "I understand."

The shadowhunter relaxed a little.

"Go on. I'm sure the Institute needs you."

"I doubt it, but I should go. My parents are going to kill me."

"If your parents are going to kill you regardless, you should treat yourself first."

Alexander smiled. "Fortunately Jace and Izzy have snuck in late dozens of times. I never thought I'd say this, but their occasional irresponsibility is going to come in hand."

"Oh?"

"No one will know how long I've been gone besides Izzy and she won't tell," he said. "But I really do have to leave now."

"Of course." Magnus sighed as the man of his dreams-- and it had been a great dream this morning-- walked toward the door.

Alexander hesitated at the threshold. He turned slightly. "I, um... I mean, last night was... I.."

"I enjoyed it too," supplied Magnus.

The young man licked his lips, still trying to say something. "If you ever need me again, you can call me directly, you know. You don't need to lie to Jace."

Magnus didn't have time to respond to the offer before Alex was gone.

It wasn't exactly "call me," but it wasn't "never speak to me again" either. Magnus wasn't sure if it meant they should do it again sometime. After all, Magnus did sort of admit to falling asleep while watching the other man sleep. That might be hard for Alexander to handle considering his reluctance to admit he was gay. Still, it was Alexander who had offered to help. A shadowhunter offering a "direct line" of help whenever a warlock might need it. It was more than Magnus had expected and that, Magnus decided, said something.


	2. Understanding (Episode 2x01)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Alexander leaves Magnus to find Jace.

Magnus considered himself to be understanding. It was, he believed, a good trait in an individual.

When Alexander abruptly stopped the rune-tracking and hurriedly ran out the door with a vague explanation, Magnus didn't take it personally. He understood about a shadowhunter's parabatai bond. He understood that Alexander had to find Jace, to assure himself his brother was safe.

He didn't like it, of course.

However, Magnus understood.

Understanding and liking what was understood didn't always happen. He was more than old enough to have learnt that lesson a few times over.

He sat alone on his couch— the same couch Alexander had been lying on mere moments earlier— and looked at his balcony. The memory and feel of Alexander's apology tonight still wonderfully fresh. Anyone can say they are sorry for something, some can even mean it. Alexander, ever doing the unexpected, had said more than words. He'd stopped Magnus from walking away. He'd held on while he admitted he had wronged Magnus. He'd held Magnus' hand and his gaze, and gave a sincere apology with an unspoken request for forgiveness.

It's not how shadowhunters generally apologize. Magnus had already gotten that traditional apology on the roof of the Institute— a brief statement suggesting that any hurt feelings were caused by Magnus mistakingly taking something personally when it wasn't. Shadowhunters tended to say sorry without asking for forgiveness, or admitting any true wrongdoing.

What happened on the balcony was different. It felt sincere and humble. The feeling hadn't ended after Alexander's apology or even Magnus' forgiveness. They'd talked on the balcony for awhile longer, honestly and openly.

When Magnus offered to help Alexander track Jace through their runes, it was because he fully understood how important this was to the young man.

He still didn't like it, but he understood the strain Alexander felt. A missing parabatai, he'd discovered, was worse than one that died. At least the body knew how to cope with that experience. At least there were texts Alexander could read on that subject. However, there was nothing about a complete disconnect in the bond without death or downworlder infection. There weren't any suggestions about how to help Alexander now except finding his brother. There was a constant void, a nagging emptiness, pulling at his mind and demanding he protect someone he couldn't find or feel.

Magnus couldn't help but change his mind about helping Alexander. The young man had been surprised by the offer, but Magnus explained and added his conditions which specifically stated the shadowhunter would not almost or completely die during the endeavour. That had earned the warlock a sheepish grin and nod.

It had also rewarded Magnus with another chance to see the shadowhunter topless. For a man who clearly found comfort in privacy, Alexander was incredibly comfortable with his body. He didn't hesitate to take off his shirt. Magnus understood that was his training; this wasn't an act to impress or seduce. This was a practical move so they could proceed. That didn't stop him from admiring the view, of course.

Alexander had laid back on the couch, trusting Magnus to keep him safe. The warlock understood just how much that meant. He wasn't merely someone Alexander was interested in, more than a kiss or confessor. He was a protecter, and that was a title Magnus had rarely held. That he'd earned it from a shadow hunter he'd known only a few weeks, said a lot about their relationship in his opinion.

So they'd begun and then Alex had practically raced out of the apartment seconds later, announced Jace was on land. He hadn't even put his shirt back on completely before he was out of the room.

However, Magnus was understanding. Or so he reminded himself.

He understood. He simply didn't like it. Magnus didn't like that he'd run out. He didn't like that Jace seemed oblivious to the pain he was causing Alexander. He didn't like that Valentine was behind all this. He didn't like that he couldn't know when or if he'd see Alex again. He didn't like sitting on a couch alone. He didn't like—

Magnus' phone beeped. He picked it up to see that Alexander had sent him a text. It was short, but Magnus wouldn't expect anything else.

"Sorry to run like that. Talk to you later."

Magnus smiled. Alexander probably wasn't even half way to the Institute and he'd bothered to stop, to contact Magnus, to promise to talk to him. Magnus understood how focused Alex should have been on his mission. Yet, he'd done this. The message was brief, but Magnus heard everything it said.


	3. Healer (Episode 2x03)

Not once in his entire life had Magnus Bane ever been called a healer. He was a warlock, a half-demon, and "healing" was not associated with anything that had demon blood. Of course, he'd tried to educate himself on spells and potions to save lives and repair bodies. It had proven useful every now and again, but those times were few and far between. Generally, anyone seeking the assistance of a warlock was not looking for "healing." Revenge, pain, destruction, violating rights, and the like were usually why someone contacted him. It was a reality he'd come to accept.

Until today when Isabelle brought him to save Alexander and all he could think was that he wasn't made for this. He'd tried to push the thought away, but it lingered. After hours of trying to wish it away, he'd realized why it stayed. It was an undeniable fact.

Magnus looked at Alexander's prone body, the soul lost in the parabatai bond, and knew he couldn't save the shadowhunter. He wasn't strong enough; a warlock's strength was in taking and twisting, not saving. The last person he'd healed was only saved because Alexander had given his strength to Magnus. Clearly, that was not going to happen this time. All he could do was work a little magic, fully aware of its shortcomings, and try a few potions, painfully aware of his lack of expertise.

Time passed.

Alexander didn't improve.

It had been a relief to return home with the young man. At least in his own home, he felt he could give something more than in the institute. Here, he felt Alexander was comfortable. At least he often seemed that way in these walls. No prying eyes judging him, questioning his actions. Magnus had seen him laugh and smile here more than he did at the shadowhunter's own home.

There was also the small matter of being in Alexander's room that had caused him some unease. At least he was fairly certain that's the room they'd been in earlier. Isabelle had merely told him to follow her when he'd arrived. She never said what room they'd used while trying to track Jace with Jocelyn's adamas stone. It only made sense Alexander would choose him own room. Which is why Magnus had felt some guilt in sitting in that room with an unconscious Alex.

He'd entered the private space of a private man without his knowledge. It wouldn't have bothered him usually, but he'd wanted to earn this one day. He'd had this irrational wish that one day, after a couple of dates, after Alexander felt safe enough to open up to him, that the shadow hunter would nervously lead him to his room. Magnus had imagined he'd downplay the whole thing, but it would mean something. He'd glaze over the bed and point out books or something he'd been working on and it would be Magnus who'd know their importance. The moment would have said plenty about how far their relationship had come, perhaps how far it could go.

Instead, Magnus had walked in and felt unworthy. He felt like an intruder. Every time he glanced away from Alexander's body, he saw something that he wished Alexander could tell him about. Plants. An odd painting. A cluttered sitting area. A bed with so many pillows the young man's feet dangled off the end. A black and white photo. All things that made up Alexander's own space, spoke of him, but Magnus couldn't decipher. All he heard were shouts of how separate he was from Alexander. Then he'd turn back to the shadow hunter and know how inadequate he was as well.

In his home, Magnus felt a little better. There were more supplies here so he'd tried a few more potions. There were different size pillows to place under Alexander to make him more comfortable. There more spell books to flip through, hoping for a cure.

All of those had helped until Magnus couldn't make any new potions, couldn't find any new spells, couldn't position Alexander any better. He'd worn himself out. Alexander's feet dangled off the chair Magnus had put him in and the warlock had used up too much energy to fix even that.

He'd used up most of his words too. Magnus had spent a great deal of time merely talking to Alexander, preparing him for the next healing treatment, telling him about how something might tingle. He'd mentioned his impression of the room and its decor. He'd instructed the young man to hang on and assured him things would be okay, even when he'd had doubts. He'd talked and joked and cajoled the prone body, hoping for some reaction.

All he got was silence.

So now he sat beside the shadowhunter, his strength depleted, his voice tired. Looking out at the night beyond his windows, he wished once again that he were a healer. Then he looked down at Alexander and asked him again to return to him.

Accepting how desperate he was to save the life of someone who meant far too much to him already— how could he feel this attached to someone he hadn't even dated yet, Magnus decided to try the ridiculous. What he felt for Alexander, what he thought Alexander felt for him, was ridiculous, after all. A shadowhunter and a warlock, this attracted to each other, it defied logic and tradition. It was like those fairytales with star-crossed lovers, in Magnus' opinion at least. If what they had was like that, he reasoned with the absurd, then he might as well try something befitting it.

He leaned over an gently kissed Alexander's lips. True love's kiss.

The prince refused to wake up.

Magnus sat back, watching Alexander, waiting for Jace to save them. The silence stretched on. It said enough.


	4. Decisive (Episode 2x06)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The walk back from Hunter's Moon.

Alexander Lightwood was decisive. Whenever he was presented with multiple options, he'd always make a choice supported by logic and evidence. He didn't flip-flop or waver. He stood firm. Sometimes Jace and Izzy would call him stubborn, but overall he saw it as a positive trait. While Acting Head of the Institute, before Valentine came back, Alec felt the other shadowhunters had respected him for it. He was good at it.

Or at least he usually was.

Tonight was proving to be quite a challenge for him. He knew what he should decide and yet, couldn't commit to it.

Magnus was older by centuries. He spoke of experience, seemed oddly wise. Alexander was so young by comparison. They were clearly two very different people who should just stop pretending they could have a relationship before it ended badly.

Yet, they were walking in comfortable silence and Alec rarely experienced that. Izzy liked to talk about anything and everything. Jace usually talked about missions or getting into trouble. Sometimes he was quiet, but it was generally because he'd focused on something other than Alec. Magnus was still focused on Alec, though. He'd mentioned things about the weather or how the neighbourhood had changed here and there as they walked. Alexander would smile and comment back, and Magnus would nod, and then they'd continue in silence.

Magnus had been in 17,000 relationships already, with women and men, seelies and warlocks, vampires and dijinn. Alexander had been in exactly none. There was no way he could compare to all of them. He was completely inexperienced and ignorant. They were clearly two very different people.

Yet, every time Alec chanced a glance at Magnus, the warlock was right beside him and that was different too. Usually people had to catch up to him or he was trying to catch up to Jace. He'd tried to slow down for Clary and Izzy, but he still noticed them struggling to keep up at times. Jace was a man on the move and it was Alec struggling to keep up with him. Magnus, however, managed to stay with him. He wasn't sure if he slowed down, but it didn't feel odd. It felt natural. Just like how Magnus always seemed to stay with him.

Magnus was a warlock whose "reputation precedes him," or so he'd been told. Alexander was a relative unknown shadowhunter in the world for most of his life. Breaking off a wedding by kissing said warlock infront of members of the Clave probably got him noticed, but Alec felt he was a bit forgettable. He wasn't the best in anything as far as he could tell.

Yet, when he felt he should be invisible, it was always Magnus who noticed him. Despite everything and everyone who should have garnered his attention, Magnus seemed as drawn to Alec as he was drawn to Magnus. He was tempted to say it was like a moth to a flame, but that sounded wrong. The warlock was a light to him, in a sense. Bright and full of energy, constantly calling him from his plain world. He was never burned by the warlock. Alec had arrived in person tonight when a simple phone call would have worked, but he could never stop himself from going to Magnus. It made things better. Magnus made him better, spoke of his strength, his character, his compassion.

Magnus was still a warlock, the High Warlock of Brooklyn in fact. Alexander had little knowledge of what that was like. He'd come to accept what he'd been taught at the Institute may not have been accurate. Still, he felt, their worlds merely overlapped one another rather than reflected each other. They were two different people and the idea of a lasting relationship was ridiculous. Star-crossed lovers were for fairytales, after all.

Yet, Magnus made it feel magical at times. Alexander had been set for another evening of reviewing reports for Valentine and training so hard he essentially passed out on his bed. Then Magnus had sent a fire message and within an hour, he was playing pool. They'd had fun too. He'd be lying if he said they hadn't kept score, but that added to the excitement. Magnus had been right about it being invigorating. The warlock may have won the best two out of three, but they had been close games. They'd both used moves that surprised the other. They'd laughed and taunted. Alec had even ordered them two more drinks without thinking about it. He had just wanted it to last longer, probably like those fictional characters from fairytales too.

Magnus lived an apartment in the mundane world. Alexander had grown up at the Institute. How they spent their time, where they spent their time, couldn't be more different really. Everything seemed to scream how apart they should be. The whole walk had been fact after fact of what should separate them. The decision should have been simple.

Yet, as they ascended the stairs to Magnus' apartment, Alexander realized all his thoughts hadn't stopped him from noticing Magnus' nice form infront of him. He always chose good pants. Alec had also noticed Magnus' smile on their walk. The way the moonlight and streetlights had illuminated his face. The way his facial hair wonderfully framed his lips.

"For a guy so used to portals, I have to admit nothing beats a late night stroll through the city," said Magnus as they entered his home.

Usually Alexander felt comfortable here. He suspected it had everything to do with Magnus' presence. Tonight that was a problem because he felt so torn. The decision should have been made already and he should have told Magnus long before they got here, but he couldn't. The place reflected Magnus. He really didn't want to leave.

Alec mentioned thinking and Magnus replied, noting his silence during their walk. He hadn't realized how quiet he'd been, but in hindsight he was generally more talkative with the warlock than anyone else. There was just something about him that made talking easy. Sometimes he felt like Magnus could read his mind. Or at least that the man understood him somehow. He could open up and not feel weak or silly or wrong.

"Magnus, I think we're too..." he began, trying to find the words.

"Different?" the warlock supplied.

There was the confirmation of his fears. Magnus had been thinking the same. They listed off how different they were and it was clear Alec should leave. He headed for the door, thinking himself a fool for entertaining the idea of dating Magnus. He would go back to his world and be lonely, like he always knew he would be. It was the smart decision, or at least logical.

Alexander stopped. None of it felt right. They weren't the same, of course, but that's why he kept coming back, why he wanted more. He knew they were different from the start and that had never deterred him. Magnus knew who he was and still thought of him as remarkable and special, someone to notice in a crowd. If he was going to walk away because their differences were confirmed, he had to know that Magnus wanted that too, that tonight's revelations had changed everything they felt.

"Look, I don't care how many people you've been with," Alexander said, walking back to Magnus.

"I don't care how many people you haven't been with," came the reply.

He could see the hope in the warlock's eyes so he made a decision.

Alexander stepped closer to Magnus and then kissed him. He felt the kiss reciprocated, hands coming to rest on his waist. He'd wanted to do that most of the night. Actually, he'd wanted to do that numerous times since the wedding. It still felt good, like a warm flame.

"I hear that relationships, um, they take effort," he said breaking the kiss.

"I'm all for effort," said Magnus.

Alexander nodded. The kiss had said more to him than the walk. They both wanted this. They both wanted to try. They both knew the troubles. It simply didn't matter. Alexander had made his decision.


	5. Different (Episode 2x07)

Magnus had been called "different" all his life. It was hard not to be, considering how unlike everyone else he always seemed to be. However, what should have been a mere statement of fact was often uttered with the undeniable implication of insult. It was a descriptive word cast out in place of a curse, its meaning of weakness or evil or inferiority or ugly cloaked. Magnus had decoded it from a young age. "Different" didn't mean "wrong;" it meant "not what is normally considered okay." At various points in his past, he'd tried to be more like others, with varying degrees of success and fleeting happiness. He couldn't change who he was and over time, he'd gone from resigning himself to that truth to fully accepting it. The word "different" was still disliked, but it lacked the sting it once had.

Unfortunately, Alexander Lightwood was proving to be a problem for Magnus' definition. Every time the warlock went to think of ways to describe the shadowhunter the word "different" was on the list. It was actually at the top of the list and try as Magnus might there didn't seem to be a better one. He was simply unlike so many others. Except in his case, Alec wasn't weak or evil or ugly or anything that would disgust or repulse. His "different" meant all good things in Magnus' mind.

The charm for luck and protection in Magnus' hands was a perfect example. It had been decades since anyone had bought him a gift, even longer since anyone had done so for no real reason. There was no event or celebration attached to it. It wasn't done as an apology or appeasement. Alexander had found it, bought it and then given it to Magnus. It was as simple as that, and the shadowhunter was unlike so many other people because of it.

Earlier Magnus had wandered into Hunter's Moon, gleefully carrying the charm in his pocket. He'd spent part of his afternoon trying to think of places in his apartment to display the gift for visitors to see. He wanted to show it off to everyone, brag about how thoughtful someone had been to him. Then he'd decided he was being ridiculous and Alec might not understand so he'd opted for going out in public, willing to risk a bartender noticing his present and asking about it. It had worked too.

He wasn't sure the charm could deliver on its promise of luck and protection, but his time at Hunter's Moon proved fortuitous. Maia had been interested in the gift. Rufus had been spotted and promptly kicked back out of North America. Isabelle had been sent on a better path for Aldertree's mission. Then Jace had come in with three ladies in tow, signally that the apartment would be empty and peaceful for most of the night. Magnus had patted his pocket that held the charm before heading home.

When he'd returned to his wonderfully quiet and roommate-free apartment, the warlock had taken out the gift.

"I suppose I should thank you," he'd said to it with a laugh. "I will have to think of a way to thank Alexander when he gets back."

The young man would be back, of course. He always returned, Magnus knew. Today he'd even hated having to leave. Magnus took some pride in that. Not just that Alexander came back to him, but that he liked to be here. He felt like his home made Alec feel at home. The shadowhunter certainly seemed more comfortable to be himself here and Magnus encouraged that feeling. He'd made sure to get advice on where to place some of his newly purchased decorations and art from their trip.

When Magnus had sat down and appraised the results, he was impressed. They made it work, despite everything that should separate them. His apartment rather spoke of them.

In fact, the more Magnus had looked about, the more he had seen bits of Alexander there. The more he had seen how much Alexander had permeated his home, the more he'd realized just how far Alexander had permeated his heart. With that knowledge came a certain sense of dread.

He'd known from the start he'd wanted to be with the young man. There was something about him that had called to Magnus, had made him feel things he hadn't felt in years. Only he hadn't thought a relationship would be like this. He'd known shadowhunters, after all, and been in literally thousands of relationships. This one wasn't supposed to be like this. There should be less emotions, less tenderness and compassion. Magnus should be viewed like a magic asset, his powers to be used at will.

Of course, Alexander had to be different. He never gave the impression that magic was what attracted him to Magnus. The trips to Prague and Tokyo had been fun, but he'd expressed a willingness to enjoy a bacon burger in East Village. As if somehow that trip would have been just as good. He'd walk when Magnus would usually portal. Magnus offered him the world courtesy of magic and Alec suggested he didn't need the magic to be content with Magnus. It was a thrilling feeling the warlock hadn't expected.

Just like the gift.

Alexander had bought it in Tokyo, or at least that's what Magnus figured. He'd looked at the gift bag briefly and couldn't recall the store entirely, but he thought it was one of the shops they'd been to in the city. They'd gone into quite a few. Magnus had planned on showing Alec around, impressing him with portals and local knowledge. Instead, Alec had pulled him into businesses he would have passed by without a second glance. He'd played tour guide as best he could, but Alexander had a way of helping him find things he'd never realized were there.

It was strange to imagine Alec buying it. That it had caught his eye and he'd thought of Magnus. Though it was fitting, the warlock supposed. It was bright and colourful, kind of like himself. It was also for protection and that was pure Alexander. The young man needed to protect everyone and when he failed or felt that he failed, he took it hard. So it was understandable that he'd want to protect Magnus, but it was still surprising that he'd purchased something with that in mind. He didn't seem like the type of person who randomly bought presents or gave good luck charms to everyone in his life. Yet, he'd bothered for Magnus, found something to protect him when he wasn't around.

It wasn't exactly cheap either, if the wrapping and bag were any indication. No, this charm wasn't one bought on a whim with loose change. Alexander thought about it, decided it was worth the price, and had done it all while Magnus wasn't looking. He'd kept it hidden in Magnus' bags to surprise him later. Something so small, so simple and he'd treated with care, made it into something special. Magnus felt he could relate.

He'd been the High Warlock of Brooklyn for years now. It had stopped being interesting almost as soon as he'd gotten the title, but lately he'd felt more important. Last year, he wouldn't have talked to Rufus unless he was causing a fuss. Today, he'd glimpsed the trouble-maker and felt a sense of duty to get rid of him. He'd been taking the job more seriously, which seemed to surprise the other warlocks he suddenly contacted. Valentine and the Circle were back and still some were shocked he was taking such an interest in things again.

Magnus rubbed his thumb over the charm in his hands. He was going to need luck and protection because he never thought he'd fall for a shadowhunter, especially this fast and this far. Not that he was opposed to falling, but the landing was going to hurt. It was going to hurt a lot, the more he thought about it. They were making things work now. It somehow felt almost natural how they could be with each other, despite how different they were. Unfortunately, Magnus knew it would end because they were different. It had to. They were two kinds of differents. One day that fact would break through this illusion of perfection. Alexander would discover the truth, see Magnus as everyone else tended to see him, and that'd be it.

Alexander was the "different" that had an amazing inner strength. Magnus had seen it at the wedding and felt it when they saved Luke's life. The man could take beatings and bruisings, but if he put his mind to something, if he committed to an action, if he was going to correct a wrong, there was nothing that would stop him. Not a room full of Clave representatives. Not his parents. Not guilt. Not the fear of what would happen to himself. It was inspiring at times.

Magnus was the "different" that had been weak too many times to count. A long life comes with plenty of rough times and Magnus' was no exception. Only where he'd imagine Alec would have been strong and uncompromising, he'd often opted for survival. Sometimes he took convenience over confrontation. Sometimes he simply wasn't strong enough to fight.

Alexander was the "different" that constantly fought for what was right. Magnus was the "different" that supported what was right, but could accept payment to support it a little less. In desperate times, he'd done things that might not have even been right.

Alexander was the "different" that admitted lies and was generally honest, especially to Magnus. While Magnus was the "different" that still hadn't admitted to helping Jace and Isabelle steal the man's stele. He was also the kind who lied about needing Alec to perform a spell to save Luke.

Alexander was the "different" that had angel blood. Magnus was the "different" that had demon blood. He was the one who not only knew unsavoury individuals, but conversed with them somewhat regularly. His wealth wasn't acquired through completely legal means. He had a demon's mark. He'd killed people when he had to, and made terrible mistakes, and had regrets. There were things he knew he should regret and yet couldn't.

One day, Alexander would realize all that and it'd be over. Thousands of relationships had ended in similar ways. The cat eyes couldn't be ignored. The magic became too alluring. Warlocks were warlocks. Some part of his past became a recurring grievance. In the end, Magnus would lose. It was unlikely the charm would save him.

Magnus took a deep breath and slowly released it, trying to calm his thoughts.

He didn't want to lose his Alexander. The man made him feel special and normal at the same time. Precious and strong. Experienced and young. Wise and silly. He longed for the shadowhunter to return to him, felt more at home when he was around.

Of course, it would end, but perhaps he could make the fall last longer. Savour the exhilarating weightless feeling before the heartbreaking crash. He could try to slow things down. It woudn't be easy, especially since he was the one pulling the other into alleys on their trip to kiss. He also seemed to be the one whose hands wanted to roam, but he could control himself. If it meant holding onto to Alec longer, he would. Besides, they weren't too serious yet. Aside from helping Magnus decorate his home and open discussions in which they admitted fears they might not readily admit to others, the relationship was in its infancy. He could hold back. Perhaps he'd find out Alexander didn't even want him as much as he wanted Alexander. Perhaps it was just coincidence or timing or too many wild dreams on Magnus' part making him believe there was more to the relationship than there was.

To save what they had, regardless of what that turned out to be, Magnus would put things on a cooler setting. Turn the heat he felt with Alec into a simmer. They could wait to take things to the next level and Magnus would delay the pain of Alec finally seeing how different they were. He wouldn't give into desire and Alec wouldn't see him laid bare, without his jewelry or makeup.

A knock at the door interrupted Magnus' thoughts. He tucked the charm back into his pocket before checking to see who the caller was.

His Alexander had returned.

The behaviour was odd, though. He wasn't usually this anxious and he was already taking off his jacket.

"Is Jace here?"

"No, he left hours ago," Magnus said. "Are you okay?"

Whatever else he was going to say was silenced as Alexander kissed him. It was kind of like when he pulled the younger man into alleys, except he wasn't initiating things. He pulled away slightly.

"Hey, what's this all about? I mean, I'm not complaining, but..." he said.

"I just thought, you know, I thought we could take the next step," Alec replied with an eagerness that tore at Magnus.

"The sex step," Magnus said, mentally deciding the charm had failed.

He tried to think of a way to explain his fears without confessing how he felt he'd be tainting the other man.

"Alexander, I may be experienced but it's rare that I've ever felt this way about someone and I worry once we..." He struggled for the words. Magnus could see the uncertainty creeping into Alexander's eyes and that hurt too. "That if we rush into this, I may lose you."

"What? Why would you think that?" Alec looked genuinely confused.

"Look, you're not the only one who feels vulnerable," he tried again.

"Magnus, you have nothing to worry about." Alexander looked at him with such honest affection, Magnus would have trusted him if he said the sun was green.

Then the young man was grabbing Magnus' shirt, guiding him into the bedroom. "I want this."

He kissed Magnus with hunger. Despite his fears, Magnus found himself returning the passion. It felt like that heat he'd thought they could simmer was now blazing. Desire was becoming need. Alec had moved to trail kisses along Magnus' neck. His hands pulled at Magnus' clothes, demanding to feel more of him, all of him. Magnus' resolve to save himself waned. This was like one of his fantasies come true. Alexander wanting him as much as he wanted the other. The strength and fire coming through, unbridled.

Magnus pulled back long enough to look Alexander in the eyes. "I want this too."

Then he focused on the feel and taste of the younger man, vowing to savour this night, to make it worthy of Alexander. It all seemed worth the risk of his heart. After all, perhaps Magnus was wrong. Perhaps the charm would work its magic. This felt new and special and amazing— would this man ever stop surprising him? Besides, Magnus had been judging things by past experiences, and Alexander,— he was still discovering— was wonderfully different.


	6. Trusting (Episode 2x08)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Alec and Magnus are getting ready for the party.

Magnus Bane had issues with trust. He never knew who to trust or how much. How others could ever figure it out was a true mystery to him. He'd trusted and distrusted when he shouldn't have, leading to mistakes, regrets, and over a dozen close calls. For all his insights and experience, he'd never learnt how to judge people properly to know when to believe them fully and when they were lying through their teeth. He felt he'd learnt enough to get by, but he still made mistakes.

Alexander Lightwood approached trust in the most perplexing fashion Magnus had ever witnessed. There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. He didn't trust most people. Almost all of his personal life and private thoughts were guarded from even people with whom he entrusted with his life on a terrifyingly semi-daily basis. They knew bits, but Alec was very careful about letting anyone in. The exception, as inexplicable as it seemed to be, was Magnus.

The warlock watched as the shadowhunter pulled on his pants. There were some who would have never stopped watching Magnus, convinced he would betray them. Alec was different. He was not only dressing somewhat carefree in Magnus' bedroom with his back turned, but he was putting on what Magnus had suggested.

"You want to dress me?" he'd said with bemusement when Magnus had mentioned his idea that morning.

"Not dress you," the warlock had clarified. "I just thought if part of this evening is to demonstrate that we are together, then wearing attire that compliments each other might not be a bad idea."

Alec had still be slightly wary, but had nodded his agreement.

Their clothing still suited their personalities, Magnus felt. They were similar, but different. A subtle, silent signal that said "couple." Subtle wasn't usually Magnus' style, but it seemed appropriate for the evening. Alec wanted to make a statement while celebrating his younger brother's milestone. Magnus would do everything in his power to accomplish that goal because he realized there was another statement being made: Alexander trusted him.

It went beyond trusting him with picking clothes. The younger man had trusted him to plan the party. To be more precise, he trusted Magnus to honour a shadowhunter tradition for his family.

Those two elements were paramount to who Alexander was, and he'd put his faith in Magnus to treat them appropriately. At first Magnus had thought Alec would want updates and final approvals for the party. After asking his opinion twice and getting "what do you like?" as the response, the warlock had realized he'd been granted free reign over the affair.

Magnus had never wanted a party to work out perfectly so much in his life. Despite his worries, Alec was confident. His belief in the older man was strong enough that he was certain everything would be fine. Not that the young man wasn't interested or ready to help with a guest list and insights on what usually happened at these parties. He'd answered every question promptly, asked what he could do to help, and even made a call or two at Magnus' request. His faith, though, never wavered.

It perplexed Magnus. Such a calm confidence in him, in a relationship he was in, was so rare he wasn't entirely sure he'd encountered it before. Certainly it had never happened this quickly, this effortlessly. Almost since they met, Alec had shown time and again an unfounded and profound trust in him.

He'd given Magnus his strength when he needed it. He'd sought advice about problems and confided in him. He'd come out with his help. Magnus thought he'd simply disrupt a wedding and Alexander would announce it was a mistake. Instead he'd kissed Magnus in front of his family, coworkers and Clave representatives. He'd done it, somehow trusting Magnus would make it okay, would be there for him. They hadn't even been dating at the time.

Magnus paused while getting dressed to watch Alexander put on his shirt and start doing up the buttons. It felt comfortable and normal, yet special.

That had been another big sign of trust: Alec letting him be his first. Magnus had tried to slow things down, certain at the time that it would only lead to regret. The shadowhunter reacted the same way he always did when Magnus suggested doubt: honest bewilderment. It was like he couldn't fathom why Magnus was unsure about his commitment.

In those moments, Magnus wondered too.

That evening had been amazing. Alexander's eagerness and desire was contagious and Magnus had quickly become infected. It had seemed one moment he was uncertain and the next, there were too many clothes and not enough kisses and caresses. When Alec stopped and confessed he didn't know exactly what to do, Magnus was more than grateful and honoured to be the one to show him, to guide him to wonderful pleasure. After, as they rested beside one another, Alexander had looked at him with open tenderness.

"That was amazing," he'd said. "I know, for you... I mean, I'm not—"

"Oh, I enjoyed myself immensely, Alexander," Magnus had said as he stroked the younger man's cheek. "I thought that was clear. However, if you feel you need more practice, I am definitely willing to help."

Then the shadowhunter had blushed. "Practice does make perfect."

That had been two nights ago and their "practice" was working out amazingly well, in Magnus' opinion. Alec hadn't objected when he'd suggested some more this afternoon while Jace was on the roof. They'd enjoyed a shower afterward. If everything worked out tonight, Magnus was planning a thorough session once all the guests had left.

It helped that Alec looked good in the suit. Not as good as he did out of the suit, Magnus thought.

Unfortunately, despite everything that they shared and how much Alexander clearly trusted Magnus, the warlock knew he himself still held back. He wanted to believe like his boyfriend. In those times when he felt like he did, he felt wonderful and free. He wasn't sure if he'd revealed his demon mark during their first night together or anytime since. Keeping the glamour certainly wasn't his focus then. Part of him hoped that it had faltered, that Alexander had seen him as he was and hadn't cared.

However, Magnus still had a voice inside him, warning of impending doom because Alexander was amazing. The shadowhunter seemed too good for the warlock. One day, he'd realize that Magnus was definitely a half-demon with an imperfect past. All the magic in the world couldn't stop that, he knew. So he tried to hold back, to resist that siren's call, in an effort to protect himself because when Alec finally left him, like everyone did, it was going to break him. He wasn't strong like Alexander. It was going to destroy him.

"Stop worrying," his boyfriend's voice pulled him from his dark thoughts.

"Sorry?"

"You look worried," said Alec, now fully dressed and standing before him. "Everything will be fine. Trust me, I wish my celebration had been like this. Max is going to love it."

Magnus smiled, appreciating the reassurance. Then he pulled the younger man in for a kiss. It began as a soft thank-you and turned into a promise for later. He really needed to resist that call better.

"This is going to be perfect," Alec stated when they broke apart.

Magnus wanted to have that level of faith, but he took comfort in the fact that Alexander trusted enough for both of them.


	7. Strength (2x09)

Alexander Lightwood knew he wasn't actually strong. This wasn't an epiphany. He'd known for years. That others were somehow oblivious to this fact had been a relief and curiosity. Everyone seemed to expect him to be tougher than he was, like Jace tonight with his demand to defy Aldertree's order. He had no idea why they thought this. As hard as he tried to be what others insisted he was, to withstand attacks and still advance without hestitation, he knew the facade had fallen more than once. Still, the expectation for unbelievable strength, for him to remain stalwart and standing tall regardless of wounds, was common and persistent.

The other night, Magnus Bane had seen through the guise. Not long ago the warlock had talked about Alec's ability to face difficulties, to be strong.

"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."

Out of everyone in the world, Magnus was the last person Alexander wanted to realize the truth. Yet, out of everyone in the world or more precisely everyone whom he considered family, it was only Magnus who seemed to recognize reality. No one else mentioned him essentially trying to commit suicide. Everyone merely accepted it was the magic-induced hallucinations that propelled him up to the roof and over its ledge. Except for Magnus, of course. He knew the magic had influenced his trek to that edge, but it was his own decision to fall off.

Alec was grateful not only for his boyfriend pulling him back, but also sedating him. The warlock had no idea how many voices were echoing in the shadowhunter's mind, but the quiet had been a relief. He'd heard Clary's condemnation from the apartment door to the roof, verifying his fears as to how the redhead truly felt about him. There had been no defense to her verbal slings. They had felt as deserved as they were brutal. Her opinion was not the only one he'd heard though. The shadowhunters he'd passed along the way weren't silent observers to his pain.

There had been no shortage of comments to hurt him. Some remarked that the party couldn't make up for a family disgrace. Others whispered about not trusting him because he let a demon in, or killed an innocent, or slept with a man, or dated a downworlder. Raj had muttered how it was obvious why Alec would never be Head of an Institute. Before he'd reached the stairs, he'd even heard someone say that there was a reason Jace kept his distance these days.

All of it stung deeply. The wounds festering quickly as his inner fears were validated. Clary had followed close behind, reminding him that he failed as a protector, failed to save his parabatai, failed as a leader, failed to find the Cup, failed to save his family from dishonour, and would certainly fail Magnus since he clearly couldn't protect his boyfriend. She'd assured him of how little he mattered to people. He'd lived most of his life contently in the shadows' of others which meant, obviously, that hardly anyone would notice if he wasn't there anymore. It was hard to argue when his Mother used to get excited to see Jace while his father and brother seemed to bond better with Isabelle. As Clary told him, "you want to see yourself as a rock, but no one really misses a rock. They just find another one. You've always been replaceable."

By time he'd reached the roof's ledge, he'd become desperate for quiet. He was willing to do anything to silence all those voices, to appease everyone who wanted him gone. Clary had demanded penance for his failures. He wanted to make things right. After all, he always made things right in the end. His Magnus had told him something along those very lines.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

Up on the ledge, he'd become so confused by the onslaught that he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do anymore to make things right. Clary had been advising him to give up his life. Blood for blood. Guarantee he couldn't fail anyone anymore. His heart was breaking and his head was spinning and Clary, sweet "I will stand up for anyone even if it kills me" Clary had given up on him. She was providing an answer. He didn't like it, didn't want it, but all the voices seemed to support it. There should have been another way, but he couldn't think of one, couldn't concentrate hard enough.

So he'd closed his eyes and wished for forgiveness. Everyone he loved deserved better than him. They deserved more than him. He wouldn't disappoint or disgrace them anymore. They would not be burdened by him. This truth would be understood and they'd be fine. He wasn't that important; he was always replaceable after all.

Then he had woken up on the roof, surrounded by his family. The voices had ceased, replaced by an awareness that they hadn't been real. The whispers of his failures and disappointments were suddenly of how great the party was or questions about the food. Raj had mentioned that he loved the sangria. Clary had been asking if he was okay, begging him to come back, take her hand, talk to someone, see Magnus, just stop. He knew what he'd heard and also what was actually said. It had been confusing and enlightening.

Everyone had had their own revelations and then Iris had stolen Magnus' spell book. No one had been able to dwell on his episode. He'd started to think they'd all move on, forget about it. Valentine was making a bold move, Max was getting his first rune, Clary was connected to the soul-sword, Jace was trying to protect his sister, Magnus needed his book, Alec's mother was dealing with her failing marriage and cheating husband. There was so much going on that it should be easy to forget about his moment of weakness. In many ways, it seemed like that was exactly what had happened.

Until Magnus brought up the incident this morning and demonstrated that he was not forgetting about it any time soon. The image had scared him apparently. What made it worse was that he understood. He knew the limitations of magic and he confessed to knowing that level of confusing despair.

Alexander had tried to shrug it off, but Magnus knew. The shadowhunter wished he didn't. He wasn't comforted by the fact the warlock had felt that lost before. It also hurt to know that his boyfriend was fully aware it was merely an illusion that Alec was solid and strong.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

The desire to prove to Magnus he was somewhat strong, a proper protector, spurned him throughout the day. He had set the goal of finding Isabelle and helping her. Ever since he'd sought her advice a couple of nights ago, he couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. She'd always told him everything, whether he wanted her to or not. Lately, Izzy had not only been silent but absent. She'd missed a couple missions and didn't come to talk to him about her private discussion with their mother. He'd been waiting for her to vent to him, but she had yet find him. Alec had decided he would find her instead.

If plans ever went exactly according to plan for the shadowhunter, his day would have been a lot better and he wouldn't be alone at the Institute wondering how badly he'd messed up. Inquiries about Izzy had lead Alec to Aldertree who hid everything besides the fact he didn't know where the other Lightwood had gone. Further investigation at the Institute only demonstrated that no one knew where Isabelle was, but there was something odd going on and they were surprised he didn't know. It wasn't a revelation he needed. He already felt bad about missing his mother's agony, failing to realize she was in pain because his father was an unfaithful jerk. The fact that everyone else in the Institute seemed to have figured out something was wrong with his sister while he had remained oblivious, wrapped up in his own world, gnawed at him.

Magnus had called earlier this evening, saying he had information about Izzy's whereabouts. It was not an unwelcome call, but it didn't help hime prove his worth.

The night had gone from bad to worse, as it became painfully clear how oblivious to his sister's life he was and how incapable he was of helping even her. He'd yelled at Magnus for his own failings.

Alexander had returned to the Institute with a merger excuse of being called back. Magnus had said he understood and they'd talk later. His apology have been rushed on the phone, but Alec promised himself he'd do better in person later.

At the Institute, the other shadowhunters had been in a frenzy. Aldertree had them rushing off to containment missions, but there was little order to the chaos. So Alexander's presence had been ignored and he wasn't too upset by that. He didn't think his mind was up to facing raging vampires. Then, a few minutes ago, Jace had called with his order, expecting him to deliver to "undispatch" shadowhunters for their own purposes.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

The words played in his mind. He wasn't sure the faith was well-founded. After all, he was part of the somewhat disgraced Lightwood family. Alec was the former acting Head of the Institute who had angered the Clave with unsanctioned missions and a wedding that never was. Everyone at the Institute knew he'd practically died trying to locate his parabatai. He knew he had their respect out in the field, but inside these walls was probably a different story. Jace expected him to override Aldertree somehow. He really didn't understand why people kept seeing strength in him that he rarely felt.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

Alexander took a breathe and surveyed the situation. He felt his minute was over. Time to do something.

He noticed a group of four shadowhunters off to the side in OPS. They were decent at their jobs. He found it surprising Aldertree didn't have them dispatched already. Of course, Aldertree didn't fight along side everyone at the Institute. He only had their files. As former Acting Head, Alec knew how thin those reports could be.

He approached them and explained the plan, leaving out any indication of Aldertree's approval or lack thereof. He was pleasantly surprised that they didn't ask about it, easily accepting his orders. Perhaps they saw him as more too.

Aldertree stepped in to stop him, trying to assert his authority. Those Clave reports really should have been more thorough. Even though he wasn't as strong as others thought, Alec's file should have included him standing up to his parabatai when he had too. He had backed down in Aldertree's office earlier that day because it was the better strategic play. That wasn't the case now.

He stepped closer to Aldertree, let him know he knew about the yen fin. The administrator attempted to stop him, citing Alec's damaged reputation. He didn't know what Magnus had figured out and had reminded the young man.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

Alexander volleyed a threat right back to Aldertree, who flinched. Clearly he still valued his reputation whereas Alec's was still in repair, if he was lucky. He had far less to lose and he had a job to do. Alexander knew he wasn't really as strong others thought, but there were benefits to going along with it, especially if it meant he could be the man Magnus thought he was.

_"That's what you do, Alexander. It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_


	8. Powerless (2x10)

This story switches back and forth from Magnus to Alexander. Each switch is indicated by an dividing --- line. 

Magnus Bane was powerless. It was an unwelcome feeling.

In all his years, he'd usually had a trick or edge or something that could make even the most unfortunate situation less so. He had magic, and cunning, and charm, and looks, and always something. Even when he was at the end of his rope, when all hope seemed lost, there was always something to save him, always something he could do.

Until now.

Now when Valentine had control of the Institute and Alexander was trapped inside. Not that the young shadowhunter viewed it that way, of course. Alec undoubtedly saw this as an opportunity to take down an enemy. He'd bravely try to foil a madman's plan, dodging and fighting Valentine's thugs along the way. There was supposed to be a plan to help him, back up on the way, but Magnus knew how easily plans against a formidable foe could go sideways. Alexander knew that too. Still odds were that he'd press on because that's what he did.

Poorly armed. Outnumbered. Unprepared. Possibly alone, even. No magic. Magnus wasn't sure he still had his bow and quiver. Alec was better with those than with a seraph blade. All reasons a normal person would hide. All reasons some shadowhunters hid. Magnus knew that from experience. Yet these wouldn't be reasons to Alexander. They were merely factors to be taken into account while formulating an attack or implementing a plan. The young man would keep going, keep trying, keep fighting with everything he had.

It was that inner strength, that almost indestructible core that Magnus admired and, in some ways, envied most about Alexander. Give the man something seemingly insurmountable and if he decided he was going to do it, he'd figure out a way to rise up. He'd give the impression that somehow that was simply how it was supposed to be too. It was amazing to witness. Magnus had felt that power before as well. Alexander had no idea really. That made him even more special, in Magnus' eyes. A man who could think "okay, I'm going to do this" and then succeed in his way, but never with the arrogance of thinking "I have decided this shall be so this is how it shall be."

Right now, Magnus wanted to feel that strength more than anything. He would give everything to know his boyfriend was alive and well.

—-------

Alexander Lightwood was powerless. It was an unwelcome feeling. Terrifying was a more accurate description.

In all his years, things mattered to a point. He wanted to protect his family, but had accepted that he probably wouldn't be anyone's saviour. It hurt, but he'd resigned himself to being a supporting character in people's lives. There to help, move their lives along, guard them when he could. Ultimately, he'd decided it was a respectable role.

Until now.

Now when Magnus could be somewhere in the Institute, dead from the soul sword.

He was supposed to be safe at home with Clary. It had been part of the plan to stop Valentine. Magnus was a comfortable distance from harm, with the only person who could activate a weapon of mass murder as company. They would stay far away from danger while he tried to sabotage a madman's plan, possibly save Madzie and Simon with help from Jace and Luke. It hadn't been the best plan, but it was hopeful. Even finding Aldertree had seemed promising, if not awkward. Izzy had arrived to help them with what little strength she had thanks to her vampire venom addiction. They'd had to help her into a room which Aldertree had promised to guard with his life. Alec had agreed to those terms. Through it all, Alexander had been comforted by the fact that his boyfriend was completely safe.

The shadowhunter had headed to the soul-sword after he left Izzy. He'd hoped to run into Jace or some sign that the others had finally arrived. Then there was a bright light and wave of energy that had rushed down a corridor and Alec had swallowed hard. Something about it wasn't right. It gave him a chill down his spine. He'd run to the room, only to see Jace, Simon, Clary ,and bodies upon bodies of downworlders.

Alexander had started to accuse Clary of murder, but Jace confessed. His parabatai had been trying to explain, but his words became a dull murmur as Alec realized that if Clary was here, Magnus could have been too. If Magnus was here, he could have been killed by the sword's power.

—-------

For weeks Magnus had tried to deny how much Alexander had meant to him. The warlock had tried to hold back, to slow things, to keep himself from falling in too deep. He knew when something happened to Alec— and something inevitably would since he always lost people— it would hurt. Magnus thought he knew how bad it would feel, but he hadn't realized this kind of pain. He'd never imagined the agony of not knowing if Alec was alive or dead and being powerless to find out, powerless to save him. He'd never been with a shadowhunter or really anyone like Alexander. He'd never known this terrifying feeling so intensely.

Magnus had tried to help, travelling with Clary into the Institute. His goal had been straightforward: find Alec. Then Clary had seen Madzie and his priorities had to shift in order to protect a warlock child. Alexander had spoken about her briefly, mentioned that the little girl had tried to help him. Magnus couldn't ignore her. He'd guided Madzie out of the Institute, brought her to Catarina, and that haunting feeling about Alec still hadn't left him. Catarina had sent him back to the Institute not long after he'd arrived. She had said it was for his own good.

As he once again approached the imposing structure, he had doubts. He could have portalled himself, but he didn't want to. Magnus had been afraid to return here. As agitating as it was not to know if Alec was okay, he was frightened to risk finding out that his boyfriend had not survived. Fear had kept him with Catarina until she couldn't stand it. He didn't feel strong enough to face the possibility of losing Alec so soon. Catarina pushed him anyhow.

As he drew closer, he could see shadowhunters running into the building, paying little attention to him. The snippets of conversations he'd gleaned didn't make him much feel better.

"Final count on causalities could be days."

"Do we know if any survived?"

"We knew Valentine wouldn't have a problem killing our people."

"We need to go room by room to clear it. Valentine's people could still be there."

"He called to warn me about the scene when we get in. It's bad, I guess."

"I heard Valentine's in custody."

"By the Angel, I don't want to imagine the Mourning Ceremony."

It was little consolation that a twisted, rogue shadowhunter had been stopped finally. Magnus' world didn't revolve around Valentine. He didn't care about any Morgenstern.

He'd fallen for a Lightwood.

That much he could admit, at least. He certainly kept falling for the younger man despite his best (albeit possibly half-hearted) efforts. It was hard not to when Alexander made him feel significant and good. He felt like a true equal, not used or tricked. Alexander treated their relationship like a fact, something that was undeniable and true. They were simply together. No more reason to question the relationship's validity than a statement that the sun was hot.

The older man was constantly amazed by how easily Alec could look at things as mere facts and deal with them, when so many others could not. He still stumbled a little over Magnus' long list of past relationships, but brushed himself off quickly enough the warlock never truly regretted mentioning anyone. It was a welcome relief not to have to hide his past or feel like he was only important for his magic. As far as Alexander seemed concerned, Magnus was Magnus and he accepted that as a whole fact.

The feelings Alexander stirred in him, awakened, had kept Magnus falling from day one. He was a rare find. Someone— a shadowhunter no less— who trusted him, a warlock, so openly. They talked about anything and everything, it felt like to Magnus. Alec was always ready to try new things, sample new tastes, as long as Magnus was there.

Just when Magnus thought he'd hit a plateau and could regain his footing, he'd fallen again as Alexander expressed his desire for more. He'd slipped into tenderness, fire, need, want, soft caresses, and harder ones. Alec made him feel gorgeous even with smeared make-up and messed up hair. They could sleep in the same bed without fear. It was a comfortable and peaceful slumber, each other's presence bringing a sense of safety and security. It wasn't a common sensation for Magnus.

Even more rare was a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) wanting to show off Magnus to his (or her) family. Yet that's what Alexander did. He didn't want Magnus hiding from Maryse; he wanted to throw a party with Magnus proudly by his side. The memory of getting ready for the rune ceremony celebration could still make the warlock smile. Alec hadn't understood why Magnus wasn't going to wear an ear clip. His boyfriend simply did not see a reason for the warlock to "tone down" his style. "It would be fine. You always dress appropriately for the situation. Besides it looks good on you."

Thus Magnus had fallen further and further. Only now it felt like he was nearing the cold, hard bottom.

—-------

Alexander felt like he was falling. It wasn't fair. For most of his life, he'd felt like he never stood on firm ground, always on the brink of losing himself in craters. Everything he did was a careful step to avoid disaster. There were practiced moves, commanded choreography, and common stumbles. The ground always rocky and uneven, leaving him flailing to keep his balance. He'd hated it.

Then Magnus came and slowly he'd found his footing. The warlock was there to catch him, hold him steady as the world changed again. He'd felt like he was finally able to walk tall and confidently. He was able to focus on being himself instead of watching his every move. There was still some hesitations, but he'd been marching through his life better.

Only now the ground was being taken from him and he was struggling to grab hold of anything to keep him from the abyss again. He needed Magnus more than he had thought possible. When Jace had been missing, their parabatai bond had become a curse. It was a nagging, empty feeling that pulled at his mind and stole his energy. He'd been desperate to find his brother and nearly killed himself in the process. Yet, that feeling seemed insignificant to the agony Alec felt now. He'd needed to find Jace to give himself peace. He needed to find Magnus to keep himself and his world whole.

Alec shouted out for Magnus and was rewarded with two of Valentine's men. They didn't stand a chance. He simply didn't have time for them. His world was breaking apart and he needed to find Magnus to set it right.

Magnus' world had fun and adventure, colour and music. It was not caring where someone came from or that they grew up in an Institute. There were touches, embraces, kisses and more. It proclaimed it was okay to be open. There weren't tricks or political plays. It was calming and felt safe. There were strolls and long conversations, comfortable silences and competitive games. He felt more at home in Magnus' penthouse apartment than he'd felt at the Institute in years.

Alec had fought against experiencing that joy at first because he knew he couldn't have it. Magnus, of course, had nudged and prodded him, seduced him with a subtle suggestion he could have what he wanted. He'd finally given in and it had been wonderful. This new world was not without its problems and Alexander found he was still learning how to navigate with a relationship. But he'd liked it. Loved it, actually. Magnus had been instrumental in all of it.

The shadow hunter couldn't bear the idea that all of it could be stripped away from him. The world shattered and the only person who held it together gone.

He searched the whole Institute floor by floor, room by room. Aldertree and Izzy had met him coming down a hall early on; his sister had gotten a text from Jace that said Valentine had been apprehended. Alec briefly filled them in about the downworlders and then continued his personal mission. The more he searched without finding a trace of his boyfriend, the more he felt he was falling. He needed Magnus in his life. The thought of going back to a world without him was terrifying.

—-------

As more shadowhunters moved past Magnus with their somber and grim expressions, he froze. It was the only thing he felt he could do. He really hated being powerless.

Alexander might have been taken from him already and he was petrified of that possibility. He didn't want to go back to a life without that precious man. He didn't even think he was strong enough to pull himself back to that, not when he knew this life. This one had warm embraces in the morning, tender and passionate kisses at night, and smiles and laughter to fill the rest. It had silliness and serious talks, invigorating games and relaxing walks. There was honesty and joy. His apartment had felt more like a home lately than it had in decades. He'd gotten to hear Alexander's belly-laugh— not a low chuckle, but a loud explosion of laughter. When Alec woke up before dawn, he'd kiss Magnus and tell him to keep sleeping while he got up. Granted, it had only happened a few times since their relationship was a bit of a whirlwind, but he wanted more of it. This life was one that made him better, more of the person he wanted to be, and he didn't want to go back to the way he'd been.

Yet, he didn't get a choice in the matter. Alexander could be gone already and then there was no one left to save him from the devastating landing. Of course, if Alexander was alive and well, Magnus had to look forward to the next time he felt like this. He wasn't sure he had the strength to deal with this again. Perhaps he'd try once more to slow things down, logically for his sake. That only mattered if Alexander was okay, which Magnus reminded himself was still uncertain, and he felt his heart slipping again.

Magnus closed his eyes and wished Alexander would find him, catch him, hold him close, and make things right like he always managed to do. He slowly opened his eyes hoping a wish could come true, just once.

—-------

Alec raced outside, barely noticing the rising sun. He looked around frantically, ignoring the returning shadowhunters. It didn't matter that they won, if he lost Magnus.

He felt a hand on his arm and realized with a wave of relief that it was Magnus. They pulled each other into a hug, reassuring themselves the other was real and safe.

Alec pulled away, trying to explain how scared he had been. He hadn't known what love was, really. What he'd felt for Jace had seemed like love at the time. For years, he'd been convinced that what it was. With Magnus, though, the feeling was different, stronger. He'd never felt this fear at losing Jace. There had been a deep, dreaded concern part of himself would die with Jace's passing. The idea of Magnus' passing made him feel like he would lose himself completely. He'd fall in the abyss and never recover.

"I love you," Alec confessed.

Magnus seemed surprised, but admitted his mutual feelings.

They hugged again. Their worlds becoming balanced once more.

—-------

Magnus knew he'd have to let Alexander go eventually. Undoubtedly, there were debriefings and reports to fill out. There was probably quite the clean up too. Much like saying I love you, he was powerless to stop himself from falling for Alec.

—-------

Alexander held on to Magnus, willing his heart to stop racing. His boyfriend was alive, well, and loved him. The ground was becoming solid again. he knew he shouldn't need someone else so badly. Emotions were against shadowhunter teachings. However, he was powerless against Magnus's pull. He was well and truly caught.


	9. Taking and Giving (Episodes 02x10-12ish)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at the end of the episode 12, but it bounces over to a couple other episodes for the timeline. This will make sense as it's read.

Alexander picked up the broken glass as Magnus entered the room. He sighed heavily, wishing he could think of a way to fix things. So far, he'd come up with precisely nothing aside from asking for his boyfriend's advice.

It usually worked.

Alec had learnt to think through problems. Izzy believed this meant he tended to overthink things, but it had been good in the past. He'd thought his way out of numerous problems over the years. It only seemed logical to continue down the same path. Unfortunately thinking hadn't solved all his problems. In fact some of his greatest moments-- in his opinion-- had come from those few moments he'd ignored his thoughts and went with his heart. He might not be in this room had he not kissed Magnus at the wedding.

Of course, thinking was also the reason he was in this room, picking up the shattered glass. His heart had said Magnus had switched bodies, but his brain refused. He'd asked Jace's opinion on the matter and been reassured Valentine was devious. It appeared that logic was on his side. Of course, it wasn't.

He knew in his heart that he had to make things right. It's something he did. However, there wasn't a part of him that knew how to do it.

Alexander took one last look at the shiny debris before sitting next to Magnus on the couch. 

He want them to go back to before this mess happened. The Palace Hotel, in fact, but his previous uncertainty had tarnished those memories. They had been, in many ways, so perfect.

~~~~~

It had been less than two days since Valentine had stormed the Institute, used the Soul Sword to kill innocent downworlders, and been captured. Somehow it felt like an eternity had passed and that it was still that night. The agony stretching the time into one long moment.

The clean-up and debriefings at the Institute had been gruelling. It had felt like hours of unending questions and tasks. Alexander had had several meetings with the Inquisitor that had felt more like interrogations. She needed repeated explanations and clarifications. Who was where? Who decided what? Why him? Why her? What were the objectives? Why did they decide on those? Where was Jace? Why did Aldertree insist on going to the roof? What happened to all the Shadowhunters? What did he say Jace was doing again? And Valentine's daughter? What happened to the warlock? And the younger one? Who ordered Shadowhunters to remain in the Institute? Who was where again?

Interspersed with being grilled by one of his own people, Alexander had helped deal with the fallen. The Clave had permitted him to avoid the work, but he'd felt compelled to help. The others had wanted to be there, of course. Izzy was dealing with the first stages of withdrawal and the downworlders had made it clear they did not want the descendants of Valentine anywhere near their fallen friends. Alec had decided it fell on him to do what the others could not, even though every corpse was an unsettling reminder of what had happened and what he could have lost that night.

The Inquisitor had finally declared his freedom. He was off active-duty until she was fully satisfied, but there would be no more meetings for him. She even commended him— or at least said the Clave did, to be precise— for keeping some Shadowhunters at the Institute, against Aldertree's initial orders. He was also informed that he'd shown foresight into Valentine's plan, made the right call to contact outside help as best he could, and demonstrated a better understanding of the Institute's limitations than Aldertree. She sounded annoyed with the announcement. It might have been because Aldertree had been sent away for his ineffective role in the ambush which meant she was saddled with the New York Institute until she appointed another Head. Alec was fairly certain, though, that she simply disliked his family.

He was also fairly certain she would not be choosing him as the new Head of the New York Institute. Clave compliments aside, he was still dating a warlock and that was reason enough to be denied the job.

Regardless, Alec was still grateful for the reprieve. Magnus, from what he could tell, was excited too. He'd checked twice that the shadowhunter was really on his way to the penthouse. He'd been up early to check too.

Alexander showered and grabbed a shirt he decided was decent. It didn't necessarily show, but he did try to wear something nice when he went over. His wardrobe wasn't extreme or extravagant, but it offered some choice, he felt.

Magnus called again, checking how long he could stay. It wasn't going to be a full day, most likely. The Inquisitor would probably reinstate his role in active duty once she was done advising everyone else of the outcome of her investigations and deciding how she would run things. Alec didn't envy Jace or Clary; the Inquisitor seemed to hate their perceived families more than she did his.

He tried to forget all that as he approached Magnus' door. His time with his boyfriend was going to be enjoyed. Fortunately, the feeling was mutual.

"So how long do we have to ourselves again?" Magnus asked after a quick kiss in greeting.

"We have the morning and most of the afternoon, probably," he replied. "I wish we had more time, but everyone's on edge with Valentine there and I'll have to check on Izzy."

"How is she doing?" The concern was clear in his voice.

"She's okay right now. At least that's what she tells me," he said. "I haven't been able to see her too much with everything that's going on. I'm not sure how much she's been able to rest."

"And you?"

"Better now that I'm here."

Magnus beamed.

"So no chance you'll be called in?"

"None. I haven't been granted full clearance yet and the Inquisitor isn't in a hurry," Alexander smiled. "I'm all yours."

"That's what I like to hear," said Magnus as he opened a portal.

Alec had no idea how much Magnus had been hoping for that response. He had plans for the young shadowhunter and none of them involved New York or any one from this part of the world.

The warlock wanted to take them back to Tokyo at night. Ever since their first trip to the city, he'd come to think of it as theirs. Alec had gotten his protection charm here. It was the place for one of their most memorable dates so far. Magnus had every intention of being completely selfish and keeping Alexander for himself for hours.

They dined at a small restaurant he'd mentioned last time and Alec had suggested it, having remembered the name. Magnus wasn't sure if he had committed it to memory or if this was a fluke, but he didn't bother to ask. Instead he enjoyed the sensation of Alexander recalling his comment. The dinner was simple enough and they discussed food. It wasn't an unusual topic for them. Alec told a story or two about trying downworlder food with Jace and Izzy. Magnus regaled him with tales of extravagant and old delicacies. It was inconsequential conversation, which was fine with Magnus. The night was proving to be relaxing and comfortable, something he felt they both sorely needed.

Afterward, Magnus portalled them to a room in the Palace Hotel. Alexander barely hid his surprise and approval. They had been here before, except that time Alexander had been nervous. Magnus had to quickly direct his attention from the massive bed to the balcony.

Just as he had done then, Magnus took his boyfriend's hand and led him to the terrace. Alexander's reaction was the same. His eyes went wide as he took in the view. It was for this moment that Magnus had specifically chosen this room in the city. He'd noticed Alexander liked the balcony at his penthouse. Alec had also mentioned going to the roof of the Institute a few times. Magnus wasn't sure what exactly drew Alexander's awe to the views, but he knew enough that Alexander would love the city view at night. He wasn't wrong that first night. He wasn't wrong this night.

"Still beautiful," the younger man breathed.

"You certainly are," Magnus said. His eyes never left Alec's face.

Alexander caught his gaze. A slow smile spread across his face. They stepped closer together and kissed. The shadowhunter stepped back and guided Magnus inside.

The first time they were here, Alec had brought him inside too. They had kissed longer on the terrace, somehow forgetting anything around them besides each other. Then Responsible Alexander had reared his ugly head and decided they should head back to New York. They needed to sleep, and it was a great date so why ruin it, which were reasons that sounded plausible and made Magnus nod with mock-seriousness. At the time, he'd casually gestured to the bed and suggested they take a nap to recharge instead. They could head back later. Alexander had looked at the bed, slack-jawed.

"We can just sleep in the bed," Magnus had assured him. "A short nap. I'll even leave my clothes on."

The younger man had nodded his agreement, though his apprehension was still evident. The arrangement was awkward at first, with both men trying to relax without enjoying themselves. Then Magnus had suggested Alec remove his shirt if he usually slept without it, which led to Alec suggesting the same to Magnus, which led to a few more kisses and roaming hands. Eventually they'd figured out how to lie comfortably with each other and had drifted off to sleep for a few hours. They'd woken up refreshed.

That Alexander was not the same one guiding Magnus now. He was not nervous or unsure. This Alexander was certain and knew exactly what he wanted to do.

They kissed as they walked, but Alec kept things calm. He was being agonizingly slow and gentle with the warlock. There was a determined tenderness and precision to his movements. Garments were removed in a certain, unspoken order. It drove Magnus crazy, and wild, and he was practically pleading with the other man to go faster, to stop the delicious torment. He held his tongue, beyond the moans of encouragement and utterances of his boyfriend's name.

There was a part of Magnus that understood what was happening. They could have lost each other not two nights ago, and it seemed that Alexander was determined to memorize every thing about Magnus. He was worshipping his boyfriend's body, savouring every feel, every taste, every sound. Magnus understood that and planned on reciprocating the action for Alexander later in the night, once they recovered from this round. He had every intention of tracing every rune, finding every scar, kissing all of his boyfriend and making sure he could hear all the sounds the younger man made while drowning in pleasure. Magus would commit it all to memory, as he would try to with this wonderful evening. He hadn't planned on it going this way; Alexander still surprised him. However, this was how he wanted their time together to be tonight; just them, basking in and savouring their love.

~~~~~~~~

Alexander had loved that night, just as he had loved their first time there. He had almost hoped the Inquisitor would delay his clearance longer and he could spend more time with Magnus. Unfortunately, she hadn't and then a greater demon did a spell, Alec had listened to his head, and those perfect memories were forever tainted.

He sighed, looking at Magnus. It was clear the ordeal was still extracting a heavy toll. Alec asked how he could fix things. The warlock, for once, had no words of wisdom. So the shadowhunter tried to do what Magnus usually advised him to do: listen to his heart. It offered no grand answer. Instead, it suggested a pithy gesture that Alec felt would do little good. With no other decent options, however, Alec decided to try. He held Magnus' hand and quietly sat with him. He gave the hand a little squeeze and, to his surprise, felt a slight squeeze in return.

Alexander couldn't repair things. He couldn't undo the damage to memories or their relationship. But this, this he could do and for Magnus he would, not thinking, just hoping it was enough and that the warlock could feel it. He simply sat and held Magnus' hand, silently offering his strength again, silently offering all he had to give.


	10. Falling (Episode 2x15)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Magnus finally opens up to Alexander.

Magnus wasn't sure how long they had been hugging. He knew they should stop, of course. They had lives, after all. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Alexander was the new Head of the New York Institute. There were more important things they should be doing.

The fact that Alexander's position was probably incredibly uncomfortable hadn't escaped Magnus either. The younger man was down on one knee, leaning forward, pulling the warlock's weight toward himself. It was a tender balancing act that was probably hurting Alec's back and knee. Not that he suggested this was the case; he held on to Magnus like he was the one needing the hug.

Regardless, Magnus didn't want to let go any time soon. He had no desire to leave the protective arms encircling him. There was a need deep inside him to stay close to Alec, to feel that love, to take that strength.

For so long, the warlock had hidden the darkest part of his past: knowingly burning his stepfather to death because he wanted to hurt the man and wipe him from existence. He'd repressed the memory for the most part. The very few times he'd ever mentioned it to anyone, he'd been reminded by the ugliness of it all. That wasn't the intention of the reactions, of course, but the result had always been basically the same. Magnus knew he was a monster since he was little; he was an unholy creature that made his mother kill herself and that maliciously killed his stepfather.

Every since the agony rune, Magnus had been reliving that memory, that truth. He'd tried to repress the memory again, but he couldn't shake it this time. The half-demon shared a bed with a shadowhunter— someone with an angelic bloodline— and that seemed to make things worse. He would experience his horrendous crime again while lying next to a man who was still so pure in some ways, so innocent. The description wasn't exactly accurate, Magnus knew, but it was how he felt about Alec as he'd watch him sleep, kept awake by his demon-side. He was the murderer of his family while Alexander cherished his own. Alec hated his cheating father for betraying his mother and their marriage; Magnus would lie awake imagining how the younger man would react to the revelation of what Magnus did to his own stepfather.

When Alexander had arrived tonight and demanded to know what was bothering the warlock, Magnus knew their time had come. One of those scenarios would come true. Throughout their relationship, he had felt like he was still falling in love but knew the crash landing would arrive. He tried to brace himself. It hurt to confess, even more than it did to hear Alec ask while reminding him that he was loved. The fact that the shadowhunter felt he needed the reminder, that this was love, that he was only asking out of love, had stung. He cried and felt like a fool for ever believing that he would be worthy of his love, that he was ever anything besides that monster.

Then, Alexander did what he always tended to do: surprise him.

"Hey," he'd said firmly, waiting for direct eye contact with Magnus. "There's nothing ugly about you."

It was one of Alec's statements of fact, as Magnus had come to think of them. A sentence said with such simple conviction that it was unquestionable to Alec. He'd make a comment and Magnus felt that convincing the man that the sun was blue would have been more probable than instilling doubt in the comment itself.

They were together.

He had nothing to worry about.

This is what he wanted.

_"There's nothing ugly about you."_

Alexander had a tendency to surprise the older man. He made things right; it was what he did. He gave Magnus strength. This was accepted and known, yet Magnus was still surprised by Alec's reaction.

The statement. The conviction. The hug.

This wasn't one of the scenarios Magnus had imagined. This one gave him comfort, reassurance, and somehow forgiveness. A bleeding wound was finally healing. A fear finally passed.

It was surreal. Magnus told himself he'd end the hug shortly, after he'd indulged for a minute or two more. He was certain Alexander would allow it. Then they'd deal with the world like they were supposed to.

Right now, however, Magnus was savouring the moment. He'd expected to hit rock bottom finally, to crash land and be shattered as Alec walked away. Instead, he was still falling, further in love, with the man holding him tight when it was all supposed to fall apart.


	11. Talking (Episode 2x20)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set at the end of the season two episode.

Alexander was talking.

Of all the things Magnus had known he'd miss when he walked away from their relationship, this one had surprised him.

Alec was not a chatterbox. He didn't drone on and on. Small talk was completely useless to him. He often needed prompting, like he did tonight. They were walking out of the alley behind Hunter's Moon bar and Magnus jokingly asked if anything else was new. It earned him a wider smile, soft chuckle and then Alexander started talking about how Max was doing, and how Izzy's recovery was still proceeding. Magnus asked questions here and there, secretly revelling in the moment. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed this Alexander, the one who talked to him.

It would seem odd to many, considering how much Alexander generally didn't talk. He wasn't prone to long conversations with everyone, definitely was not a social butterfly. The shadowhunter did not like giving speeches. Alec did not ramble on when he was nervous. In fact, when he tried to control his emotions, it was his speech that became controlled. Efficient, precise sentences were normal for him. To most people, he would be described as quiet.

Unless, it seemed, he was talking to Magnus.

Long before they'd even entertained the idea of dating, Alexander had declared that he trusted Magnus. He admitted he didn't know why. Magnus still didn't know.

Yet, Magnus felt that trust was behind the reason for the Alexander who was talking to him now. This Alexander had been hidden away, behind the pain he'd caused. His open heart closed. His talking silenced, save necessary discussions about business.

That silence wasn't merely awkward; it was painful too. Magnus had reminded himself that this was his doing, the consequence of his actions. True, Alec had lied to him, but he was the one who'd severed their relationship. Alexander had good reason, in his mind, for the deception. Magnus had not reacted well.

He'd been convinced it would be something about himself that would end things. There were still plenty of reasons Alexander could discover that could lead to that again. Instead, it was the shadowhunter who had looked him in the eye and concealed a significant truth. With that revelation, Magnus felt the crash he'd been anticipating. Their relationship wasn't perfect; it was punctured with lies. He couldn't be sure how many. He couldn't be sure of anything. Alexander had seemed so different, but perhaps he was more like all those other shadowhunters Magnus had learnt not to trust over the years. He'd fooled himself, been blinded by love, seen a wondrous illusion. The warlock had wanted to believe there was still a connection, but when Max was in the infirmary, Alec had pulled away and he was left the lone downworlder, feeling ignored and used by a shadowhunter. In retrospect, that was probably not Alexander's intent. It was, however, how Magnus felt and his pain had quickly led him to walk away from the man he loved to the Seelie Queen and her promises to protect the downworld from the deceptive shadowhunters.

Of course, she had proven as trustworthy as those deceptive shadowhunters, going so far to align herself with the downworlders' greatest threat, Valentine. Magnus had dreaded the verbal reprimand from Alexander. He'd braced himself for it, preparing his arguments. The very thing his ex-boyfriend had wanted to prevent by not telling him the truth almost came to pass because of his ill-advised reaction. He'd snapped at Alexander a few times, merely trying to end a conversation before it could switch into a lecture.

Almost regretfully, that unwanted conversation had never happened. Rather he was treated to annoyed looks, and fleeting caring and concern, and an Alexander he'd never truly experienced before— closed off for the most part.

That Alexander had a coldness to him, an air about him to keep one's distance. His emotions were strictly controlled, save his annoyance. That Alexander was about business and duty. He didn't smile or laugh. There was little light in his eyes, just aching. That Alexander had stood next to him at the Institute, preparing for their attack on the demons' entry point, and said nothing more than, "ready?" That Alexander was focused on efficiency and missions, less on compassion or people it seemed. That shadowhunter didn't ask more questions about the warlock's health after closing the rift beyond, "are you strong enough to gets us to Lake Lynn?" He then grumbled about how far from the lake Magnus' portal had taken them, and didn't bother to wait for an explanation about how exhausted Magnus was.

That Alexander had felt the loss of his parabatai, physically and emotionally, and pulled himself off the floor to continue on. He didn't seek comfort from Magnus or even Izzy. Not a hug. Not a tear. Just statements of what happened, and then back to business without another word about it. While Izzy had taken it all in stride like someone used to seeing that Alexander, Magnus had been shaken.

He had wanted to shake the younger man, to yell at him, demand he say something, anything. Magnus had wanted to hold him tight, to comfort him. He had wanted to scream at Isabelle for letting that Alexander be.

Magnus had known Alexander tried to control is emotions like a good shadowhunter, had denied himself happiness and resigned himself to a life in which he would never get what he truly wanted. It was a bleak existence that had hurt his Alexander, locked away so much of what made him amazing to Magnus. Except with Magnus, Alec had had a problem keeping it all locked up. There were glances and slight smiles, confessions and late night conversations even before Alexander had admitted to being attracted to another man. Perhaps that's why Magnus had taken it for granted that his Alexander would remain when the relationship ended.

Instead, he encountered the other Alexander and had quickly come to dread it. He'd told himself he'd ended things because he had to be a good leader and choose his people over his wants. It was something, he'd told himself, that Alexander would understand. The shadow hunter had done the same for years. His sense of honour and loyalty to his people over himself had actually inspired Magnus to be a more active leader. Not that he'd be a slouch, but he had certainly taken the role more seriously since being with Alexander. The breakup seemed a logical and acceptable step to preserve their friendship.

He simply hadn't realized that he'd never truly witnessed the strictly dedicated, completely focused Alexander. He'd never experienced that Alexander before and wasn't prepared for him. What caused Magnus the most pain were the brief moments when his Alexander shoved that Alexander aside. His Alexander was clearly worried after the rift, and had suggested Magnus run for cover when they'd realized Valentine was at the Lake probably preparing to ask for the slaughter of all downworlders. His Alexander had even shown up at Hunter's Moon and asked if he was okay. Then he'd asked to talk and Magnus had agreed while inwardly cringing.

Magnus feared that the other Alexander would be waiting in the alley, with a full list of suggestions on how they could professionally interact, a ruling on whether the warlocks had broken the Accords with their wards, and that long awaited lecture about how Magnus had screwed up after finding out about the Soul Sword. He'd known it was all coming sooner or later. That Alec would be all about duty and honour, and the warlocks would have to face the consequences of their actions and his leadership. That Alec would be cold and to the point, and there'd be no talk of anything else besides that business. That Alec would insist he agree, not listening for reasons or requests for caring. And that Alec would walk out of that alley, without a second glance at the man he once professed to love.

Yet, it was his Alexander who'd shown up instead. He almost didn't believe it at first, trying to hold back when this Alexander said he couldn't think straight without him. He'd begrudgingly admitted to constantly thinking about him. Then, in the ultimate sign as to which Alexander was before him, the shadowhunter had made one of his statements of fact.

"I don't think I can live without you."

An open, honest, vulnerable statement.

Magnus told him about feeling like he had to choose between his duty and his love, but knowing now that he could have both. He didn't mention that he'd seen what choosing does to Alec. If his Alexander could exist, then a duty-bound, in-love Magnus could do it too.

They kissed.

They agreed to leave the party.

They walked, though Magnus hadn't agreed to that. He was used to portals, but Alexander was more accustomed to walking everywhere. It wasn't exactly something the warlock had missed, but it meant more time to talk with Alec.

He knew they'd eventually arrive at his penthouse and the conversation might be derailed for a bit. One kiss was hardly enough, after all. So for now, he'd enjoy this. The sound of Alec's voice. The easy flow of words between them. The joy of hearing his Alexander talk to him again.


	12. Overthinking (2x20)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec didn't overthink things. He'd thought about the matter a lot so he was fairly certain about this. He simply considered things as much as they should have been considered.

Alec didn't overthink things. He'd thought about the matter a lot so he was fairly certain about this. He simply considered things as much as they should have been considered.

Which is why when he told Magnus he didn't think he could live without the warlock, he'd meant it. Not literally, of course.

However, he'd experienced living without Magnus again and honestly questioned his ability to survive that life. Before he'd met the man, Alec had resigned himself, more or less, to a lifetime of being denied what he truly wanted. It was an existence, endured for his family and his sense of duty. These gave him enough joy to continue, enough purpose to ignore the pain and shame he often felt.

Then Magnus had found him, spotted him in Jace's shadow, and refused to look elsewhere. Slowly that flickering of life became a flame, then a glorious fire that warmed him constantly. He felt more alive than ever. The future wasn't to be suffered through, but tackled and made to reflect his desires. Alec could have what he wanted. He could be happy. He could be himself. It took effort, but that was life.

Alec thought the feeling was mutual. Magnus seemed happy. The warlock was still realizing he could be himself. What he saw as ugliness in himself wasn't a deterrent for the shadowhunter; no matter what it the younger man would stay with him. The relationship had made sense to Alec.

He'd given it plenty of thought. With no previous experience, Alexander worried about things from the start. They were two vastly different individuals after all. So he thought about how they were together, how it made him feel, how it seemed to make Magnus feel, and how much better things were with them together compared to when they were apart. It all supported his conclusion that they should be together.

Of course, no amount of thinking and come to the proper conclusions if significant information is unknown. He'd researched Sebastian/Jonathan extensively and still they'd been fooled. All the files from and calls to the other Institutes about Sebastian had confirmed who he was, his disappearance and reappearance. He'd even convinced Sebastian's cousin. However, Magnus was certainly not Jonathan and Alec had no plans to leave.

Unfortunately, Magnus had been the one to walk away and Alec was thrown back into that cold exsitence. Pursuing happiness was a mistake. He couldn't imagine being with anyone else. He'd never found anyone remotely like Magnus in the first place. Jace had offered no advice, clearly at a loss to provide any. They didn't even talk about the breakup. He didn't talk to Isabelle about it either. Alec didn't really discuss his personal life with his parabatai or sister ever. He wasn't about to start when the one person who knew all about his personal life, all his thoughts and feelings, had walked away. Where Jace would give him a weird look or Isabelle would lovingly laugh, Magnus would smile at his comments or simply keep the conversation going as if Alec was being normal. He had learnt to be quiet and keep his personal life to himself with his family. He felt different with them, but they accepted that, loved him regardless. Magnus made him feel loved because of his differences. To be fair, Izzy and Jace did seem happier that he was being more himself, as he thought of it. Even their looks and laughs didn't feel like they were resigned to love him, but that his quirks were okay after all. Then the person who knew almost all of his quirks had ended their relationship, deciding that they should remain more business associates than lovers. Perhaps, despite his careful consideration, opening himself up was a mistake and Magnus was protecting him.

Alexander was the Head of the New York Institute, but that was a fragile position from the beginning. He'd barely had the job and already he'd almost been replaced, if not for his father's intervention. Every day he felt he was battling against the Clave and others to keep the job he had dreamt of having since he was a kid. With Valentine on the lose with Sebastian and the mortal instruments in play, he had felt his days in charge of the Institute were numbered. He hadn't even been sure he still had days.

It was all being taken from him and he hated it. He hated feeling that way again. He hated being alone. He hated not being able to talk to someone freely and ask whatever questions came to mind and seeing someone truly appreciate his subtle humour and feeling so undeniably loved by someone who wasn't family, who chose him out of everyone else. Magnus was a charismatic, incredibly powerful, bi-sexual warlock who could portal anywhere in the world whenever he desired— as far as Alec could tell, Magnus really could have chosen to be with anybody else in the world. Instead, he'd laid eyes on Alexander, and picked him out of the world.

To be tossed aside, even after being told he was still loved, had hurt. He'd made too many mistakes and apologies weren't enough. It felt like utter failure. If opening up and having a relationship was the grave error it felt like, Alec would focus his attention away from his pain. He put his efforts into securing his job, but he felt he was failing at that too. Every time he tried to concentrate he could hear Magnus' voice. Sometimes it was motivating him. Other times it was giving him advice to follow his gut. But it was near constant and he couldn't make it stop. Part of him didn't want it to, except that one day he knew it would and then he'd be alone inside again.

He had tried to be strong while dealing with Magnus again, except it hurt more and more. Working together had been a brutal reminder of what he once had, but couldn't have anymore. Then his parabatai had died and what made it worse was the knowledge he couldn't find the comfort he needed. He'd lost his brother during a mission he'd ordered and he didn't even know how. He desperately wanted to talk to Magnus, get his thoughts straight, calm his emotions properly, except that he couldn't. No, he had to stand firm and march into battle. Keep the Institute running properly. Have all available personnel looking for Circle members and those demons, protecting mundanes, helping downworlders. Focus on stopping Valentine. It's all that mattered. He probably wouldn't have a job by morning anyway.

Alexander didn't have to think much to realize how drained Magnus was after he'd closed the right. The warlock wasn't strong enough to hold a portal open long enough for more than a couple people to pass through. He hadn't told anyone, but Alexander knew. Magnus had offered to go with Izzy and Alec to Lake Lynn with no mention of bringing back-up. A portal trip for three was confirmation just how weakened Magnus was. The shadowhunter had considered suggesting his ex stay behind, but knew how much he'd worry about him. He couldn't face Valentine when his heart and mind lingered in the Institute. All the more proof he was failing.

When they'd found Jace and Clary alive and well with Valentine dead, the moment had seemed surreal. His parabatai was alive. Yet, it felt different. Jace and he had been drifting apart lately. They were still excellent shadowhunters together, but their personal lives were much more their own now. When the rune disappeared and Alec had felt the loss of his brother in arms, it had been devastating in some ways but astonishingly not all. Perhaps it was shock. Perhaps it was years of understanding that shadowhunters can die at any age. Still, Alec was surprised by how well he could still focus on the mission, could hold himself together. Having been denied Magnus' comfort— though he had thought better than to ask for it— he had functioned adequately.

What bothered him was the idea that if Magnus had ceased to exist, he didn't think he could handle it as well. He'd already experienced thinking Magnus might have been dead when Valentine had attacked the Institute. Now he'd experienced life without Magnus again. Alec thought about how he'd cope, all the ways he could move on, and everything led him to one simple conclusion: he needed Magnus in order to live fully. Without him was to exist, with him was to live.

They had talked in the bar as the celebrations for Valentine's final demise continued. Victory did taste sweet. There weren't many other shadow hunters at Hunter's Moon, though the invitation had included everyone at the New York Institute and Alec had given all of them, aside from a necessary skeleton crew, the night off. He hadn't asked the Clave for permission and he'd hadn't looked for their response from his final report— he'd wait to discover if he'd been demoted. Alec had wanted to enjoy the success, no matter how fleeting. He'd been slightly surprised to see Magnus. He didn't think the older man would have ventured out since he'd been so weakened and he'd had so many warlocks at his residence just hours ago. Granted, Magnus did like a party and perhaps he just didn't have the energy to throw one himself at the moment.

Like a moth to a flame, or perhaps more accurately a glutton for punishment, Alec had approached Magnus. They talked about work. He asked how Magnus was doing, though he knew he wasn't supposed to. They were supposed to be professionals and there had been a time when Alec could be just that. There had been a time when he could control his emotions so well. It felt like years ago instead of weeks, and he couldn't seem to recall just how to do it properly anymore. So, despite telling himself to accept rejection, he had decided to gain forgiveness one last time. Apologize again. Open up. Pray that he was granted mercy, by the angel.

Alexander had been completely honest. After giving the matter so much thought, he spoke the truth as he knew it. To his relief, it had worked. More importantly, he found out he wasn't alone in his feelings. The relationship required more effort. He was more than willing to give it his all again, because he knew he'd be nothing again without it.


End file.
